You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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