She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
