i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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