I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
