Tell her she can't have a vagina
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
