Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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