I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
birth control should be required to get into college
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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