just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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