Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I could fuck to npr.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Randomize