nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize