i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize