my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Holy shit dude........stairs
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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