i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
