i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
