My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
We're too hungover to prance.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
