the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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