Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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