Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
