he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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