Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
