I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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