Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
