were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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