she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
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