i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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