gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
