my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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