My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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