OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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