You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
