So drunk its hurt
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
