just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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