4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
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