Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
