I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize