I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
