Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
