I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
