listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
