Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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