His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
