What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
