he puts the penis in happiness.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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