Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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