get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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