Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
So much rum. So many feels.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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