I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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