Apparently you make a good broom.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
