So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
