Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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