I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
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