is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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