If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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