My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Acid is not a monday night drug
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
