I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Randomize
