Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
