the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
