Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
