I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
