Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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